Early Days

Working, raising three little boys and caring for a depressed spouse took there toll on me and the household.  My husband was in denial about his disease state and became moody, stressed and unpredictable.  I sought out help, joined foundations and participated in fundraising events and researched ways in which to slow the disease process.  He would have nothing to do with any of it.  I worked hard to keep the household stress free and quiet so he could sleep.  You see, he also worked a night shift which was even more detrimental to his health.  One of my biggest mistakes....giving a busy, demanding toddler his way to keep things quiet.  I helped create a monster and by the time I realized it he was 6 years old.  In that time I experienced and lived through a gambling addiction of my husbands, depression, unfaithfulness, two stints away in a gambling rehab clinic, GA meetings every week, a separation, a divorce, and the constant care and attention of 3 boys very involved in sports and school.  Looking back, I still can't believe I did it all.  Especially due to the financial woes we now had due to the compulsive gambling issue.  The house fell into disrepair, I gained 20lbs and had began suffering from anxiety attacks.  Through all of this we continued giving baby number three his way, just to make life a bit more bearable. 


I'm not sharing this for want of sympathy. The beauty of it all is that I made it through, persevered, got healthy, kept my home and was able to raise my children. I had my faith and some very special friends who helped me.


One thing remained:  GUILT.  And he knew it!

From the Beginning

The mother with a delinquent child.  That's me.  It surprises me, it shakes me.  I always felt I had a spiritual maternal connection with each one of my boys in utero.  I spoke to them while my belly grew and sang to them.  I made them promises of unconditional love that only a mother can share.  I was certain they could hear my thoughts, my vibrations.  They knew what I was about. A relationship like no other in the world.  The shear ecstasy felt the moment they came forth into the world.  These were the three highest, most spiritual moments of my 48 years thus far.  It can't compare to the brilliant blue waters of Cinque Terre, the grandeur of the Grand Canyon, the amazing power and beauty of Niagara Falls or the ominous feeling of seeing Stone Henge for the first time, wind blowing coldly across the Salisbury Plain.  Nothing can compare to the life-giving experience and spirituality of childbirth.



I am speaking today of child number three. He came into this world quickly, but oh so intensely.  Like a raging surge of water from a swollen river.  After recovering from the experience, which was a near 3 minutes, I held his 6lb 10oz pink, squirming body skin to skin with mine.  He suckled immediately and nursed like a champ from the beginning.  After all I wasn't a novice by this time.  His big brothers were present for his arrival, looking a bit shell-shocked but taking it all in.  They insisted on a name for him and after examination I succumbed to their title.  My favorite name of choice had been "Levi" but it just wasn't in his eyes.



He was taken to a love-filled home with lots of noise and excitement.  he had so much attention and care and nurturing.  At three months his daddy was diagnosed with a degenerative disease and the love-filled home took on a new dimension, a new "vibe" if you will.