Enough!!!

Once again I turned to my blog because I'm feeling hopeless. I have read through my previous posts and I am sick. Sick of being this person I have become.

 I am becoming like my son, uncaring. I can't bring myself to exercise or eat right or socialize. My sleep is restless and my drive is gone.  I need to find inner strength to pull myself out of this dark hole. I must remember that God doesn't give us more than we can handle and that what is happening holds a true blessing, somewhere. Enough is enough.

Sometimes it's barely a visible thread floating just within reach. We must grab it and NEVER LOSE HOPE.  

Sadness Wants to Follow Me to Bed Again

3am. Where do I begin? My boy has been out of the Psychiatric ward for less than 2 weeks now with a diagnoses of a behavioral disorder, ODD and Conduct Disorder and Anxiety. His first week back to school and he's been suspended for the rest of the year and 10 days into the Fall. He was drinking with a friend and got belligerent and tried to run.  He was subdued and cuffed.  Up till now he carries straight A's. Now he says he doesn't care. He's refusing the drug and alcohol assessment to reduce his sentence and he has run away. He hates me.

  It feels like a hopeless situation.  I have spent my life doing everything I felt was right and good for my boys. I have guided, set boundaries, loved, listened, cheered. I have been chauffeur, teacher, friend, doctor, counselor, mother and father, their greatest fan. I have prayed and cried till I felt there was nothing left. I have dropped to my knees in great sorrow and begged God to help them and keep them safe. I have layed awake at night listening for them to come through the door.  I have slept on their bedroom floor so I could be sure to hear them breathing when they were ill. I sacrificed much to keep our family home so they could know stability even after the departure of their father. I'm not special or great. I am a MOTHER.

The sadness and hopelessness have made their way into my heart. I am mourning and feel pain I have never felt before. I am inconsolable.