Letting Go

Almost three years of being on an endless rollercoaster ride....no getting off at this amusement park!! Come one, come all, be a part of our house of horrors and craziness. I promise you the ride of your life!

This patron has just jumped off. I couldn't take another minute lest I go absolutely bonkers. Everything and everyone in my life were suffering. I took a risk and simply took a leap of faith. The most amazing thing is...I'm still alive.  And so are my children.

I feel a sense of peace I haven't had in years. "Letting go" is a process and one that continues on a daily basis. When it comes to your children it's one of the most difficult things to accomplish. Sitting back, watching them fail, watching them suffer. It means getting over or accepting the deep inner pain that seems to reach your very soul. They must change on their own, we have no control of anyone. When we try to "control" we become sick on so many levels. I have chosen to be healthy.

I pray for my boys throughout the day, support them when they make positive choices and tell them I love them when they don't. I also tell them they are on their own with their poor choices. I no longer will be a party to them. We all win. They grow and learn from consequences and I remain peaceful for all of us.

This is a place I must nurture daily. I am no good to anyone if I'm sick with grief and anxiety and anger and worry. So here's to me...mother, sister, wife, friend, daughter, care taker, on and on and on. I have survived and will continue my life in a peaceful place!

A Sorrow

As the anniversary of my birth looms closer (the big half century) I find myself reviewing my life as it was and as it is. I realize that at the same time as having so much joy to celebrate, I also have as much sorrow. I must say that I was not expecting this.

At the risk of sounding to negative I want to share a poem that a dear friend gave me last night. I never dreamed a topic such as this would ever be a part of my life but it has touched me and become a part of my life in many ways. It is one of the sorrows I carry.

    ' Hello, my name is DRUGS. I destroy homes,tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start. I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold, and if you meed me, remember I'm easily found, I live all around you, in schools and in town. I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door. My power is awesome: try me, you"ll see, but if you do, you may NEVER break free. Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice and I'll own your soul. When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie, you'll do what you have to just to get high. The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms, will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in my arms. you'll lie to your mother, steal from your dad, when you see their tears, you should feel sad. But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways. I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate friends. I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side. You'll give up everything...your family, your home...your friends, your money, then you'll be alone. I'll take and I'll take, till you have nothing more to give, when I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live................You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, not I to you. you knew this would happen, many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold. You could have said no, and just walked away, if you could live that day over, now what would you say? I'll be your master, you'll be my slave, I'll even go with when you go to your grave. Now that you've met me, what will you do? Will you try me or not? It's all up to you. I can bring you more misery than words can tell. Come, take my hand, I'll take you to hell!' 
    
    Author Unknown

 



 

Jubilee

 Jubilee! A time for rejoicing.

Jubilee Youth Ranch has given us a reason to rejoice, recoup, and regroup. A blessed haven amidst rolling golden hills and thousands of acres of apple orchards. A blessed haven run by humans of amazing compassion and heart
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 A home of up to sixty problemed young men from varied backgrounds.
Boys involved in gang activities, some from abusive homes, some with no living parents or parents who no longer want them. Most involved in crime and drugs. Many who are truly a product of their upbringings and others with loving families with the inability to function in society without hurting themselves.

This is where my son has resided now for nearly eight months. His time there has been full of many up and downs. He has run away at least seven times, has actually been released from the program for dangerous behavior and taken back again. He has gone from level zero to level four in record time at least twice. This, I'm told, is unheard of. He is now ahead in school, will start playing baseball with the local high school and has earned privileges to go snowboarding.

On our last visit he informed us that he's ready to get his life in order. "I really want to change this time." He's opening up to a psychologist on a weekly basis and participates openly in group therapy on a daily basis. Does he still struggle? You bet he does, but 'Rome wasn't built in a day' and habits die hard. Changing thought patterns and  trying to be less reactive take practice, patience and support.

I thank Jubilee from the bottom of my heart for loving my son enough to never give up on him!

I am rejoicing!

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