The path of a roller coaster is the best analogy I can come up with to describe my daily life. A very wild, out-of-control ride, with intense ups and downs and a few moments of quiet before the build-up begins again. Only this roller coaster seems to have no end. The exhilaration and excitement of the ride are gone. In it's place are fear, anxiety and exhaustion.
I am in the midst of an out of control ride as I type these very words. Another weekend nearly gone after a long week of work and nurturing my son through his first week of clean. His anxiety has been off the charts. We have ridden our bikes 8 miles, jogged and sprinted, drank lots of "calming" tea, given back rubs and he's taken multiple hot baths. We've been shopping for new Lacrosse equipment and shared pastries at a local coffee shop. Yet he just left the house on foot like a class five hurricane, after spitting at me, throwing TV remotes, phones, I-pods and yelling obscenities. At least today it didn't include breaking a television. I wouldn't allow him to go "hang" with a questionable friend for the day. I even offered other alternatives which he refused. He doesn't grasp that after all the lying, stealing and manipulation that he must earn back the trust.
This weekend he did agree to see a doctor and discuss the possibility of meds to help him through these obvious tumultuous teenage years of anxiety. He was worried at first that I thought he was crazy and abnormal. The truth of the matter is, I do feel that way at times. Of course I explained the fact that everyone needs help now and again, especially in this day and age. Now he's gone .If he doesn't return by dark I'll be calling the authorities to report him as a runaway. God help me. God help my son who must be feeling alone, unwanted, unloved and scared. I don't know what else I can do to change that fact.
I won't give up though, still trying to get off this roller coaster.
I am in the midst of an out of control ride as I type these very words. Another weekend nearly gone after a long week of work and nurturing my son through his first week of clean. His anxiety has been off the charts. We have ridden our bikes 8 miles, jogged and sprinted, drank lots of "calming" tea, given back rubs and he's taken multiple hot baths. We've been shopping for new Lacrosse equipment and shared pastries at a local coffee shop. Yet he just left the house on foot like a class five hurricane, after spitting at me, throwing TV remotes, phones, I-pods and yelling obscenities. At least today it didn't include breaking a television. I wouldn't allow him to go "hang" with a questionable friend for the day. I even offered other alternatives which he refused. He doesn't grasp that after all the lying, stealing and manipulation that he must earn back the trust.
This weekend he did agree to see a doctor and discuss the possibility of meds to help him through these obvious tumultuous teenage years of anxiety. He was worried at first that I thought he was crazy and abnormal. The truth of the matter is, I do feel that way at times. Of course I explained the fact that everyone needs help now and again, especially in this day and age. Now he's gone .If he doesn't return by dark I'll be calling the authorities to report him as a runaway. God help me. God help my son who must be feeling alone, unwanted, unloved and scared. I don't know what else I can do to change that fact.
I won't give up though, still trying to get off this roller coaster.
I'm praying, too! I love all of you! Wish I could give you a hug. -Andrea
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