Here I sit, feeling peaceful for the first time in many many months. I actually feel relaxed in my own home and even in my own body. The detachment I have felt is improving and I'm able to force myself to be social. Going for a run feels possible. I still suffer from sudden and exaggerated emotional responses to more stressful situations and even those situations which are not. When the house phone rings a panic immediately wells up inside me. You see, not many people call our land line these days. But the Ranch does.
My boy has been residing for the last two months at a Boys Youth Ranch in a very remote area. He went from Juvey directly to the Ranch after agreeing to go. He was running out of options after assault chages to myself and his step father, incarceration and being restrained for hours at a local emergency room because he was hurting himself. The hell of all hells for a mother. It must be even a greater hell for him, one we will never truely know. To have so much hurt and pain and anxiety and hopelessness that nothing matters. A time when you cease to care about anyone or anything. Only the devil could have a hand in it. A true evil.
It wasn't until he was away in a safe place that I realized just how bad it was in our home. My husband and I were like zombies. Wandering around aimlessly just trying to get through each day. Sleepless nights, detachment,fear,anxiety,hopelessness, a complete lack of energy. All symptoms of PTSD. The months of abuse and volence and manipulation we have endured with my son have taken their tole. But there is light. There is hope.
My boy has been residing for the last two months at a Boys Youth Ranch in a very remote area. He went from Juvey directly to the Ranch after agreeing to go. He was running out of options after assault chages to myself and his step father, incarceration and being restrained for hours at a local emergency room because he was hurting himself. The hell of all hells for a mother. It must be even a greater hell for him, one we will never truely know. To have so much hurt and pain and anxiety and hopelessness that nothing matters. A time when you cease to care about anyone or anything. Only the devil could have a hand in it. A true evil.
It wasn't until he was away in a safe place that I realized just how bad it was in our home. My husband and I were like zombies. Wandering around aimlessly just trying to get through each day. Sleepless nights, detachment,fear,anxiety,hopelessness, a complete lack of energy. All symptoms of PTSD. The months of abuse and volence and manipulation we have endured with my son have taken their tole. But there is light. There is hope.
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