Time Heals All

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock....I can still remember my grandmothers clock ticking in the night as I laid awake in the dark strange bedroom with the funny smell of moth balls and old wood. It was a comforting sound and lulled me to sleep eventually with it's rhythm.

 TIME. Defined as 'the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.' Time has always been a very interesting concept to me but I will spare you that speech. I am a very impatient person, a virtue I have not yet acquired in my almost 52 years on this beautiful planet. Even in my impatience though, time has passed and time has healed. The platitude 'time heals all' has never meant a thing to me and I have failed to believe that such a cliché could ever be true. I am here to share with you now that TIME DOES HEAL!

In time, with time, through time we have the opportunity to learn, grow and change. I have done just that and so have my children. It hasn't been an easy road for any of us and will continue to be burdened with bumps and bruises and even pain. I have learned to better myself and to stop trying to change others. I can only change myself. For the first time in many years I am experiencing real peace in my life. This peace, at first, felt odd and out of place. That's how long I had conditioned myself to chaos. So long that it was a while before I recognized what it was! It's been a very freeing experience. I still have days and moments when my body tries to revert back to that conditioned way of feeling and thinking but I become aware of it much quicker.

Now I'm going to be a grandmother (yahoo!!) and time has an even newer meaning. I plan on making the best of the time I have left in this world. Loving my husband, my children, my grandbabies, my life and striving for compassion and acceptance of everyone. Life is grand!   

Letting Go

Almost three years of being on an endless rollercoaster ride....no getting off at this amusement park!! Come one, come all, be a part of our house of horrors and craziness. I promise you the ride of your life!

This patron has just jumped off. I couldn't take another minute lest I go absolutely bonkers. Everything and everyone in my life were suffering. I took a risk and simply took a leap of faith. The most amazing thing is...I'm still alive.  And so are my children.

I feel a sense of peace I haven't had in years. "Letting go" is a process and one that continues on a daily basis. When it comes to your children it's one of the most difficult things to accomplish. Sitting back, watching them fail, watching them suffer. It means getting over or accepting the deep inner pain that seems to reach your very soul. They must change on their own, we have no control of anyone. When we try to "control" we become sick on so many levels. I have chosen to be healthy.

I pray for my boys throughout the day, support them when they make positive choices and tell them I love them when they don't. I also tell them they are on their own with their poor choices. I no longer will be a party to them. We all win. They grow and learn from consequences and I remain peaceful for all of us.

This is a place I must nurture daily. I am no good to anyone if I'm sick with grief and anxiety and anger and worry. So here's to me...mother, sister, wife, friend, daughter, care taker, on and on and on. I have survived and will continue my life in a peaceful place!

A Sorrow

As the anniversary of my birth looms closer (the big half century) I find myself reviewing my life as it was and as it is. I realize that at the same time as having so much joy to celebrate, I also have as much sorrow. I must say that I was not expecting this.

At the risk of sounding to negative I want to share a poem that a dear friend gave me last night. I never dreamed a topic such as this would ever be a part of my life but it has touched me and become a part of my life in many ways. It is one of the sorrows I carry.

    ' Hello, my name is DRUGS. I destroy homes,tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start. I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold, and if you meed me, remember I'm easily found, I live all around you, in schools and in town. I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door. My power is awesome: try me, you"ll see, but if you do, you may NEVER break free. Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice and I'll own your soul. When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie, you'll do what you have to just to get high. The crimes you'll commit, for my narcotic charms, will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in my arms. you'll lie to your mother, steal from your dad, when you see their tears, you should feel sad. But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised, I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways. I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate friends. I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I'll be with you always, right by your side. You'll give up everything...your family, your home...your friends, your money, then you'll be alone. I'll take and I'll take, till you have nothing more to give, when I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live................You'll regret that you tried me, they always do, but you came to me, not I to you. you knew this would happen, many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold. You could have said no, and just walked away, if you could live that day over, now what would you say? I'll be your master, you'll be my slave, I'll even go with when you go to your grave. Now that you've met me, what will you do? Will you try me or not? It's all up to you. I can bring you more misery than words can tell. Come, take my hand, I'll take you to hell!' 
    
    Author Unknown

 



 

Jubilee

 Jubilee! A time for rejoicing.

Jubilee Youth Ranch has given us a reason to rejoice, recoup, and regroup. A blessed haven amidst rolling golden hills and thousands of acres of apple orchards. A blessed haven run by humans of amazing compassion and heart
.
 A home of up to sixty problemed young men from varied backgrounds.
Boys involved in gang activities, some from abusive homes, some with no living parents or parents who no longer want them. Most involved in crime and drugs. Many who are truly a product of their upbringings and others with loving families with the inability to function in society without hurting themselves.

This is where my son has resided now for nearly eight months. His time there has been full of many up and downs. He has run away at least seven times, has actually been released from the program for dangerous behavior and taken back again. He has gone from level zero to level four in record time at least twice. This, I'm told, is unheard of. He is now ahead in school, will start playing baseball with the local high school and has earned privileges to go snowboarding.

On our last visit he informed us that he's ready to get his life in order. "I really want to change this time." He's opening up to a psychologist on a weekly basis and participates openly in group therapy on a daily basis. Does he still struggle? You bet he does, but 'Rome wasn't built in a day' and habits die hard. Changing thought patterns and  trying to be less reactive take practice, patience and support.

I thank Jubilee from the bottom of my heart for loving my son enough to never give up on him!

I am rejoicing!

.

 

Circle of Life

Silly thing. I was cleaning the bathroom that was once shared by my three boys. I looked up to see four photos I hadn't payed attention to for a very long time. In seconds tears began to flow.

 Memories of happy times with my angels flooded back. Days where sweet innocence filled their hearts and souls, days where mom and dad were the "bees knees", days when dramas occurred because of sharing issues over playdoh and cartoons! I miss those days.

It brought a deep sadness to me thinking of the many struggles they now have in life. How can any of my young men carry so many deep depressing feelings of loss and hopelessness? I thought I had filled our home with laughter and love and taught them coping skills through my own actions. Why was I not told that parenting was the most difficult job I would ever experience?

 

  If you want to feel real sadness, joy, pride, torment, and the truest love that exists, become a parent.

HOPE

Here I sit, feeling peaceful for the first time in many many months. I actually feel relaxed in my own home and even in my own body.  The detachment I have felt is improving and I'm able to force myself to be social. Going for a run feels possible. I still suffer from sudden and exaggerated emotional responses to more stressful situations and even those situations which are not. When the house phone rings a panic immediately wells up inside me. You see, not many people call our land line these days. But the Ranch does.

My boy has been residing for the last two months at a Boys Youth Ranch in a very remote area. He went from Juvey directly to the Ranch after agreeing to go. He was running out of options after assault chages to myself and his step father, incarceration and being restrained for hours at a local emergency room because he was hurting himself.  The hell of all hells for a mother. It must be even a greater hell for him, one we will never truely know. To have so much hurt and pain and anxiety and hopelessness that nothing matters. A time when you cease to care about anyone or anything. Only the devil could have a hand in it. A true evil.

It wasn't until he was away in a safe place that I realized just how bad it was in our home. My husband and I were like zombies. Wandering around aimlessly just trying to get through each day. Sleepless nights, detachment,fear,anxiety,hopelessness, a complete lack of energy. All symptoms of PTSD. The months of abuse and volence and manipulation we have endured with my son have taken their tole. But there is light. There is hope.

 

Enough!!!

Once again I turned to my blog because I'm feeling hopeless. I have read through my previous posts and I am sick. Sick of being this person I have become.

 I am becoming like my son, uncaring. I can't bring myself to exercise or eat right or socialize. My sleep is restless and my drive is gone.  I need to find inner strength to pull myself out of this dark hole. I must remember that God doesn't give us more than we can handle and that what is happening holds a true blessing, somewhere. Enough is enough.

Sometimes it's barely a visible thread floating just within reach. We must grab it and NEVER LOSE HOPE.