Jubilee

 Jubilee! A time for rejoicing.

Jubilee Youth Ranch has given us a reason to rejoice, recoup, and regroup. A blessed haven amidst rolling golden hills and thousands of acres of apple orchards. A blessed haven run by humans of amazing compassion and heart
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 A home of up to sixty problemed young men from varied backgrounds.
Boys involved in gang activities, some from abusive homes, some with no living parents or parents who no longer want them. Most involved in crime and drugs. Many who are truly a product of their upbringings and others with loving families with the inability to function in society without hurting themselves.

This is where my son has resided now for nearly eight months. His time there has been full of many up and downs. He has run away at least seven times, has actually been released from the program for dangerous behavior and taken back again. He has gone from level zero to level four in record time at least twice. This, I'm told, is unheard of. He is now ahead in school, will start playing baseball with the local high school and has earned privileges to go snowboarding.

On our last visit he informed us that he's ready to get his life in order. "I really want to change this time." He's opening up to a psychologist on a weekly basis and participates openly in group therapy on a daily basis. Does he still struggle? You bet he does, but 'Rome wasn't built in a day' and habits die hard. Changing thought patterns and  trying to be less reactive take practice, patience and support.

I thank Jubilee from the bottom of my heart for loving my son enough to never give up on him!

I am rejoicing!

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Circle of Life

Silly thing. I was cleaning the bathroom that was once shared by my three boys. I looked up to see four photos I hadn't payed attention to for a very long time. In seconds tears began to flow.

 Memories of happy times with my angels flooded back. Days where sweet innocence filled their hearts and souls, days where mom and dad were the "bees knees", days when dramas occurred because of sharing issues over playdoh and cartoons! I miss those days.

It brought a deep sadness to me thinking of the many struggles they now have in life. How can any of my young men carry so many deep depressing feelings of loss and hopelessness? I thought I had filled our home with laughter and love and taught them coping skills through my own actions. Why was I not told that parenting was the most difficult job I would ever experience?

 

  If you want to feel real sadness, joy, pride, torment, and the truest love that exists, become a parent.

HOPE

Here I sit, feeling peaceful for the first time in many many months. I actually feel relaxed in my own home and even in my own body.  The detachment I have felt is improving and I'm able to force myself to be social. Going for a run feels possible. I still suffer from sudden and exaggerated emotional responses to more stressful situations and even those situations which are not. When the house phone rings a panic immediately wells up inside me. You see, not many people call our land line these days. But the Ranch does.

My boy has been residing for the last two months at a Boys Youth Ranch in a very remote area. He went from Juvey directly to the Ranch after agreeing to go. He was running out of options after assault chages to myself and his step father, incarceration and being restrained for hours at a local emergency room because he was hurting himself.  The hell of all hells for a mother. It must be even a greater hell for him, one we will never truely know. To have so much hurt and pain and anxiety and hopelessness that nothing matters. A time when you cease to care about anyone or anything. Only the devil could have a hand in it. A true evil.

It wasn't until he was away in a safe place that I realized just how bad it was in our home. My husband and I were like zombies. Wandering around aimlessly just trying to get through each day. Sleepless nights, detachment,fear,anxiety,hopelessness, a complete lack of energy. All symptoms of PTSD. The months of abuse and volence and manipulation we have endured with my son have taken their tole. But there is light. There is hope.

 

Enough!!!

Once again I turned to my blog because I'm feeling hopeless. I have read through my previous posts and I am sick. Sick of being this person I have become.

 I am becoming like my son, uncaring. I can't bring myself to exercise or eat right or socialize. My sleep is restless and my drive is gone.  I need to find inner strength to pull myself out of this dark hole. I must remember that God doesn't give us more than we can handle and that what is happening holds a true blessing, somewhere. Enough is enough.

Sometimes it's barely a visible thread floating just within reach. We must grab it and NEVER LOSE HOPE.  

Sadness Wants to Follow Me to Bed Again

3am. Where do I begin? My boy has been out of the Psychiatric ward for less than 2 weeks now with a diagnoses of a behavioral disorder, ODD and Conduct Disorder and Anxiety. His first week back to school and he's been suspended for the rest of the year and 10 days into the Fall. He was drinking with a friend and got belligerent and tried to run.  He was subdued and cuffed.  Up till now he carries straight A's. Now he says he doesn't care. He's refusing the drug and alcohol assessment to reduce his sentence and he has run away. He hates me.

  It feels like a hopeless situation.  I have spent my life doing everything I felt was right and good for my boys. I have guided, set boundaries, loved, listened, cheered. I have been chauffeur, teacher, friend, doctor, counselor, mother and father, their greatest fan. I have prayed and cried till I felt there was nothing left. I have dropped to my knees in great sorrow and begged God to help them and keep them safe. I have layed awake at night listening for them to come through the door.  I have slept on their bedroom floor so I could be sure to hear them breathing when they were ill. I sacrificed much to keep our family home so they could know stability even after the departure of their father. I'm not special or great. I am a MOTHER.

The sadness and hopelessness have made their way into my heart. I am mourning and feel pain I have never felt before. I am inconsolable. 

Time Away Will Be Good For All of Us!! Famous Last Words.

Rain, Rain, Go Away.......

It's been raining for three days.  So much for day light savings time.  It has been dark all day.  And so has my mood.
I calmly told my son that until he quits drugs, follows house rules, is respectful and becomes an active member of the household that I will do nothing for him. I refuse to be battered and beaten by him.  I will give him access to all I legally am obligated to: health care,food,clothing,shelter and education. Nothing more.  He doesn't seem to bothered, although he did complain about having to make himself dinner last night. Now he sleeps on the sofa after school.  He arrived home late, stoned as usual. No explanation as to where he was.  Then again, I already know.

I feel beaten down. I have been battling a cold and fever, pulled muscles in my back and having hormonal issues. All made worse by the amount of stress we are all under.  I feel like I'm in a dark hole, slowly having the life squeezed out of me. Helpless and out of control. At the same time I have a lump deep inside my chest that is growing.  A panic that I have to do something. I just want to love him and give him a great childhood. When every word out of his mouth is a lie or an insult how is it possible?  If I give him his way then all would be peaceful. I cannot condone behaviors that are detrimental to his health and welfare, I cannot turn a blind eye and live with myself. He's actually asked me to do it.  If he's not physically addicted to pot then he is definitely psychologically addicted.  He's willing to lie, steal and sell his belongings for it. My heart is heavy.  I pray for peace. I pray for light.