Circle of Life

Silly thing. I was cleaning the bathroom that was once shared by my three boys. I looked up to see four photos I hadn't payed attention to for a very long time. In seconds tears began to flow.

 Memories of happy times with my angels flooded back. Days where sweet innocence filled their hearts and souls, days where mom and dad were the "bees knees", days when dramas occurred because of sharing issues over playdoh and cartoons! I miss those days.

It brought a deep sadness to me thinking of the many struggles they now have in life. How can any of my young men carry so many deep depressing feelings of loss and hopelessness? I thought I had filled our home with laughter and love and taught them coping skills through my own actions. Why was I not told that parenting was the most difficult job I would ever experience?

 

  If you want to feel real sadness, joy, pride, torment, and the truest love that exists, become a parent.

HOPE

Here I sit, feeling peaceful for the first time in many many months. I actually feel relaxed in my own home and even in my own body.  The detachment I have felt is improving and I'm able to force myself to be social. Going for a run feels possible. I still suffer from sudden and exaggerated emotional responses to more stressful situations and even those situations which are not. When the house phone rings a panic immediately wells up inside me. You see, not many people call our land line these days. But the Ranch does.

My boy has been residing for the last two months at a Boys Youth Ranch in a very remote area. He went from Juvey directly to the Ranch after agreeing to go. He was running out of options after assault chages to myself and his step father, incarceration and being restrained for hours at a local emergency room because he was hurting himself.  The hell of all hells for a mother. It must be even a greater hell for him, one we will never truely know. To have so much hurt and pain and anxiety and hopelessness that nothing matters. A time when you cease to care about anyone or anything. Only the devil could have a hand in it. A true evil.

It wasn't until he was away in a safe place that I realized just how bad it was in our home. My husband and I were like zombies. Wandering around aimlessly just trying to get through each day. Sleepless nights, detachment,fear,anxiety,hopelessness, a complete lack of energy. All symptoms of PTSD. The months of abuse and volence and manipulation we have endured with my son have taken their tole. But there is light. There is hope.

 

Enough!!!

Once again I turned to my blog because I'm feeling hopeless. I have read through my previous posts and I am sick. Sick of being this person I have become.

 I am becoming like my son, uncaring. I can't bring myself to exercise or eat right or socialize. My sleep is restless and my drive is gone.  I need to find inner strength to pull myself out of this dark hole. I must remember that God doesn't give us more than we can handle and that what is happening holds a true blessing, somewhere. Enough is enough.

Sometimes it's barely a visible thread floating just within reach. We must grab it and NEVER LOSE HOPE.  

Sadness Wants to Follow Me to Bed Again

3am. Where do I begin? My boy has been out of the Psychiatric ward for less than 2 weeks now with a diagnoses of a behavioral disorder, ODD and Conduct Disorder and Anxiety. His first week back to school and he's been suspended for the rest of the year and 10 days into the Fall. He was drinking with a friend and got belligerent and tried to run.  He was subdued and cuffed.  Up till now he carries straight A's. Now he says he doesn't care. He's refusing the drug and alcohol assessment to reduce his sentence and he has run away. He hates me.

  It feels like a hopeless situation.  I have spent my life doing everything I felt was right and good for my boys. I have guided, set boundaries, loved, listened, cheered. I have been chauffeur, teacher, friend, doctor, counselor, mother and father, their greatest fan. I have prayed and cried till I felt there was nothing left. I have dropped to my knees in great sorrow and begged God to help them and keep them safe. I have layed awake at night listening for them to come through the door.  I have slept on their bedroom floor so I could be sure to hear them breathing when they were ill. I sacrificed much to keep our family home so they could know stability even after the departure of their father. I'm not special or great. I am a MOTHER.

The sadness and hopelessness have made their way into my heart. I am mourning and feel pain I have never felt before. I am inconsolable. 

Time Away Will Be Good For All of Us!! Famous Last Words.

Rain, Rain, Go Away.......

It's been raining for three days.  So much for day light savings time.  It has been dark all day.  And so has my mood.
I calmly told my son that until he quits drugs, follows house rules, is respectful and becomes an active member of the household that I will do nothing for him. I refuse to be battered and beaten by him.  I will give him access to all I legally am obligated to: health care,food,clothing,shelter and education. Nothing more.  He doesn't seem to bothered, although he did complain about having to make himself dinner last night. Now he sleeps on the sofa after school.  He arrived home late, stoned as usual. No explanation as to where he was.  Then again, I already know.

I feel beaten down. I have been battling a cold and fever, pulled muscles in my back and having hormonal issues. All made worse by the amount of stress we are all under.  I feel like I'm in a dark hole, slowly having the life squeezed out of me. Helpless and out of control. At the same time I have a lump deep inside my chest that is growing.  A panic that I have to do something. I just want to love him and give him a great childhood. When every word out of his mouth is a lie or an insult how is it possible?  If I give him his way then all would be peaceful. I cannot condone behaviors that are detrimental to his health and welfare, I cannot turn a blind eye and live with myself. He's actually asked me to do it.  If he's not physically addicted to pot then he is definitely psychologically addicted.  He's willing to lie, steal and sell his belongings for it. My heart is heavy.  I pray for peace. I pray for light.

No More Powerless Threats.....

Well it happened. I called 911 last night at about 2:30am. I confiscated my devil child's baggie of "perfectly fine and healthy plant life". He raged at me like a cornered animal. Lamps flew, CD's shattered, obscenities poisoned me. He got physical when I said his step dad and I were leaving the house. Out of desperation I finally followed through with my threats. A moment of pure and deep sadness for me and my husband.

 Sobbing my head off  I listened to the officers talk to him. Words of great wisdom from both of them. He played along. Because he's under 16 I had the option of sending him to the youth center or not. A part of me wished for the strength to say yes. All I could think of was his angelic face as a little boy, I didn't have the heart. Exposing him to a new kind of danger is unfathomable to me.

Once they left he continued on with his disbelief at my "stealing" from him. How could I? He behaved like a true addict, jonesing for a needed fix. So frightening. We discovered earlier in the day that two Wii's and an X-Box are missing from the house. He admitted to selling one of them and loaning one out.  The other one sprouted legs and ran away. I wouldn't blame it you know, the tension in this house you can cut with a knife. It is extremely difficult living with a liar and a thief. "Extremely difficult" doesn't even begin to describe it.

I am not sure what our next step will be. He has a new baggie of plant life tonight. We may be revisiting the Youth at Risk program. I will keep praying for peace. God help us.

I am only a ghost of a woman I used to be...

I can't tell you how lonely one feels living with a problemed teenager. I have changed a lot in the last couple of years. Today while examining my face in the mirror I saw "age" in my eyes. The exhaustion of constantly dealing with my child, the turmoil in the house, working and keeping everyone happy. I am not the happy-go-lucky woman I used to be. My sunny and positive outlook on life have been crushed. I feel like a part of me dies every day with the stress. I am a ghost of who I once was.

The boy of mine? Since his accident in December the storm has returned. He was one of three passengers in a speeding car, they were all drunk, they stole the beer, and my son didn't have his seat belt on.  Not only that, he lied, disobeyed and knowingly got into a car with a driver who was drinking. Does that sound like a person who should be allowed the right to get behind the wheel of a car.  Exactly!  That is why I tore up the contract we had allowing him to get his drivers permit.  Recently he calmly told me, "Since I can't drive now I might as well start smoking pot again." And that's exactly what he's doing.

Unfortunately marijuana doesn't work well with his system. His anxiety has returned, he's not sleeping well, he's mean, he has anger outbursts and continues to batter me with his words. The tears are coming once again as I share the recent vileness that came out of his mouth. I am a f_____ b___ wh____.  I picture his adorable little face as a toddler running around the back yard. How sweet it was. Where has all that sweetness gone? It's as if a thief came one night and ripped it from his tall skinny body. To imagine that anyone would ever call me names like he has. I have lived my entire life for him and his brothers, given all the love I have. My heart, once again, has been torn from my chest.

Will I forever remain a ghost?