Sunday, May 20, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Rain, Rain, Go Away.......
It's been raining for three days. So much for day light savings time. It has been dark all day. And so has my mood.
I calmly told my son that until he quits drugs, follows house rules, is respectful and becomes an active member of the household that I will do nothing for him. I refuse to be battered and beaten by him. I will give him access to all I legally am obligated to: health care,food,clothing,shelter and education. Nothing more. He doesn't seem to bothered, although he did complain about having to make himself dinner last night. Now he sleeps on the sofa after school. He arrived home late, stoned as usual. No explanation as to where he was. Then again, I already know.
I feel beaten down. I have been battling a cold and fever, pulled muscles in my back and having hormonal issues. All made worse by the amount of stress we are all under. I feel like I'm in a dark hole, slowly having the life squeezed out of me. Helpless and out of control. At the same time I have a lump deep inside my chest that is growing. A panic that I have to do something. I just want to love him and give him a great childhood. When every word out of his mouth is a lie or an insult how is it possible? If I give him his way then all would be peaceful. I cannot condone behaviors that are detrimental to his health and welfare, I cannot turn a blind eye and live with myself. He's actually asked me to do it. If he's not physically addicted to pot then he is definitely psychologically addicted. He's willing to lie, steal and sell his belongings for it. My heart is heavy. I pray for peace. I pray for light.
I calmly told my son that until he quits drugs, follows house rules, is respectful and becomes an active member of the household that I will do nothing for him. I refuse to be battered and beaten by him. I will give him access to all I legally am obligated to: health care,food,clothing,shelter and education. Nothing more. He doesn't seem to bothered, although he did complain about having to make himself dinner last night. Now he sleeps on the sofa after school. He arrived home late, stoned as usual. No explanation as to where he was. Then again, I already know.
I feel beaten down. I have been battling a cold and fever, pulled muscles in my back and having hormonal issues. All made worse by the amount of stress we are all under. I feel like I'm in a dark hole, slowly having the life squeezed out of me. Helpless and out of control. At the same time I have a lump deep inside my chest that is growing. A panic that I have to do something. I just want to love him and give him a great childhood. When every word out of his mouth is a lie or an insult how is it possible? If I give him his way then all would be peaceful. I cannot condone behaviors that are detrimental to his health and welfare, I cannot turn a blind eye and live with myself. He's actually asked me to do it. If he's not physically addicted to pot then he is definitely psychologically addicted. He's willing to lie, steal and sell his belongings for it. My heart is heavy. I pray for peace. I pray for light.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
No More Powerless Threats.....
Well it happened. I called 911 last night at about 2:30am. I confiscated my devil child's baggie of "perfectly fine and healthy plant life". He raged at me like a cornered animal. Lamps flew, CD's shattered, obscenities poisoned me. He got physical when I said his step dad and I were leaving the house. Out of desperation I finally followed through with my threats. A moment of pure and deep sadness for me and my husband.
Sobbing my head off I listened to the officers talk to him. Words of great wisdom from both of them. He played along. Because he's under 16 I had the option of sending him to the youth center or not. A part of me wished for the strength to say yes. All I could think of was his angelic face as a little boy, I didn't have the heart. Exposing him to a new kind of danger is unfathomable to me.
Once they left he continued on with his disbelief at my "stealing" from him. How could I? He behaved like a true addict, jonesing for a needed fix. So frightening. We discovered earlier in the day that two Wii's and an X-Box are missing from the house. He admitted to selling one of them and loaning one out. The other one sprouted legs and ran away. I wouldn't blame it you know, the tension in this house you can cut with a knife. It is extremely difficult living with a liar and a thief. "Extremely difficult" doesn't even begin to describe it.
I am not sure what our next step will be. He has a new baggie of plant life tonight. We may be revisiting the Youth at Risk program. I will keep praying for peace. God help us.
Sobbing my head off I listened to the officers talk to him. Words of great wisdom from both of them. He played along. Because he's under 16 I had the option of sending him to the youth center or not. A part of me wished for the strength to say yes. All I could think of was his angelic face as a little boy, I didn't have the heart. Exposing him to a new kind of danger is unfathomable to me.
Once they left he continued on with his disbelief at my "stealing" from him. How could I? He behaved like a true addict, jonesing for a needed fix. So frightening. We discovered earlier in the day that two Wii's and an X-Box are missing from the house. He admitted to selling one of them and loaning one out. The other one sprouted legs and ran away. I wouldn't blame it you know, the tension in this house you can cut with a knife. It is extremely difficult living with a liar and a thief. "Extremely difficult" doesn't even begin to describe it.
I am not sure what our next step will be. He has a new baggie of plant life tonight. We may be revisiting the Youth at Risk program. I will keep praying for peace. God help us.
I am only a ghost of a woman I used to be...
I can't tell you how lonely one feels living with a problemed teenager. I have changed a lot in the last couple of years. Today while examining my face in the mirror I saw "age" in my eyes. The exhaustion of constantly dealing with my child, the turmoil in the house, working and keeping everyone happy. I am not the happy-go-lucky woman I used to be. My sunny and positive outlook on life have been crushed. I feel like a part of me dies every day with the stress. I am a ghost of who I once was.
The boy of mine? Since his accident in December the storm has returned. He was one of three passengers in a speeding car, they were all drunk, they stole the beer, and my son didn't have his seat belt on. Not only that, he lied, disobeyed and knowingly got into a car with a driver who was drinking. Does that sound like a person who should be allowed the right to get behind the wheel of a car. Exactly! That is why I tore up the contract we had allowing him to get his drivers permit. Recently he calmly told me, "Since I can't drive now I might as well start smoking pot again." And that's exactly what he's doing.
Unfortunately marijuana doesn't work well with his system. His anxiety has returned, he's not sleeping well, he's mean, he has anger outbursts and continues to batter me with his words. The tears are coming once again as I share the recent vileness that came out of his mouth. I am a f_____ b___ wh____. I picture his adorable little face as a toddler running around the back yard. How sweet it was. Where has all that sweetness gone? It's as if a thief came one night and ripped it from his tall skinny body. To imagine that anyone would ever call me names like he has. I have lived my entire life for him and his brothers, given all the love I have. My heart, once again, has been torn from my chest.
Will I forever remain a ghost?
The boy of mine? Since his accident in December the storm has returned. He was one of three passengers in a speeding car, they were all drunk, they stole the beer, and my son didn't have his seat belt on. Not only that, he lied, disobeyed and knowingly got into a car with a driver who was drinking. Does that sound like a person who should be allowed the right to get behind the wheel of a car. Exactly! That is why I tore up the contract we had allowing him to get his drivers permit. Recently he calmly told me, "Since I can't drive now I might as well start smoking pot again." And that's exactly what he's doing.
Unfortunately marijuana doesn't work well with his system. His anxiety has returned, he's not sleeping well, he's mean, he has anger outbursts and continues to batter me with his words. The tears are coming once again as I share the recent vileness that came out of his mouth. I am a f_____ b___ wh____. I picture his adorable little face as a toddler running around the back yard. How sweet it was. Where has all that sweetness gone? It's as if a thief came one night and ripped it from his tall skinny body. To imagine that anyone would ever call me names like he has. I have lived my entire life for him and his brothers, given all the love I have. My heart, once again, has been torn from my chest.
Will I forever remain a ghost?
Friday, December 23, 2011
Wish You Were Dead
About three days ago, while baking Christmas cookies,I realized I had not written an entry in quite a while. I happily, with only the tiniest bit of trepidation, recognized this as a positive thing.While humming along to Johnny Mathis Christmas album, I continued to review in my little mind all the positive things that have been happening with my boy.
He has straight A's at the Christmas break!! He has had clean drug tests for nearly four months and has had no anger, out-of-control outbursts in about the same amount of time. We can have a decent conversation as long as I control "my tone" and he actually has a great sense of humor. He is just one week away from fulfilling his contract to getting his drivers permit.
On the other hand.....he's involved in no sports, has no hobbies, is chewing tobacco and still insists on hanging out with "undesirables". Let me give you an example of my definition of an "undesirable". There's an 18 year old kid whom he often wants to go "driving around with" at odd hours of the day and night. I would think a young man at his age would have better things to do than hang out with my very immature 15 year old. Then there's, Adam (an alias), son of a preacher, who was in rehab for heroin over the summer, is flunking every class even though he's nearly two years behind already, and is constantly wanting money from my son to drive him to school, etc. Do these sound like kids you would want your son hanging with???
As you can see, I still have legitimate worries, but life in our house has definitely improved as the stress levels have receded. UNTIL.......this morning at 3:33am. The moment every parent hopes and prays will never happen. The dreaded phone call. "Your son is at the emergency room, he was involved in a car accident tonight." In a split second, a storm of thoughts and questions begin to swirl in your mind, the winds are picking up speed. This can't be, you think, he's spending the night at his friends house tonight, his dad is home. Now your heart is racing as you try to reach an acceptable state of awareness. The reality suddenly hits. OH MY GOD, IS HE DEAD!
The answer is NO, but he's going to wish he were dead when you're finished with him!
He has straight A's at the Christmas break!! He has had clean drug tests for nearly four months and has had no anger, out-of-control outbursts in about the same amount of time. We can have a decent conversation as long as I control "my tone" and he actually has a great sense of humor. He is just one week away from fulfilling his contract to getting his drivers permit.
On the other hand.....he's involved in no sports, has no hobbies, is chewing tobacco and still insists on hanging out with "undesirables". Let me give you an example of my definition of an "undesirable". There's an 18 year old kid whom he often wants to go "driving around with" at odd hours of the day and night. I would think a young man at his age would have better things to do than hang out with my very immature 15 year old. Then there's, Adam (an alias), son of a preacher, who was in rehab for heroin over the summer, is flunking every class even though he's nearly two years behind already, and is constantly wanting money from my son to drive him to school, etc. Do these sound like kids you would want your son hanging with???
As you can see, I still have legitimate worries, but life in our house has definitely improved as the stress levels have receded. UNTIL.......this morning at 3:33am. The moment every parent hopes and prays will never happen. The dreaded phone call. "Your son is at the emergency room, he was involved in a car accident tonight." In a split second, a storm of thoughts and questions begin to swirl in your mind, the winds are picking up speed. This can't be, you think, he's spending the night at his friends house tonight, his dad is home. Now your heart is racing as you try to reach an acceptable state of awareness. The reality suddenly hits. OH MY GOD, IS HE DEAD!
The answer is NO, but he's going to wish he were dead when you're finished with him!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Goodbye Calm, Hello to the Perfect Storm
Well....the calm has broken. It has shattered loudly into a million shards, landing at my feet and in my face. Hello, once again, to the perfect storm that is my life, our life.
My delinquent son is billowing about creating a violent wind which brings anxiety, anger, hurt and frustration. It has shattered my moment of peace. It began oh so slowly. First we noticed he wasn't hanging out with the "clean" kids as much. Then not at all. He quit Lacrosse and became more belligerent and agitated. He pushed us to give one kid, whom we'd been warned about, a chance. After all he had been to rehab and he had no other friends. I'm a true believer in second chances so we layed out a plan with requirements that needed to be met before we would meet him and allow my devil child to hang with him. None of the requirements were met. The mood was changing quickly. Then the call from the Vice Principal at the High School. He was caught chewing tobacco in class. Five days suspension with three off if he wrote an essay with facts and the evils of tobacco. He swears this was his first use of the stimulant. I knew different. When approached he responded vehemently. How dare I accuse him and call him a liar.
I admit I spent the next week or so being angry and disgusted with him. We had agreed to honesty and openness and he was being deceitful, sneaky and disrespectful. Well, at least he wasn't smoking pot or using other drugs, you might be thinking. This is true, of course. The weekly drug tests have all been negative. This is just another sign of his inherent addictive personality and/or gene that occupies his skinny little body. It's one more feather in his cap and one more dagger to my heart. I feel a deep intense sadness. The knowledge that it's never going to end with him. That he'll struggle all his life and that only HE can change that fact. The sadness that it's really out of my hands. I have no control over my offspring, I'm watching him plummet from the nest unassisted, not sure where he will land. Such a powerful feeling of helplessness.
He finally came to us with an admission of guilt over the tobacco. He even took it upon himself to speak with a school counselor about how to deal with this new addiction. That was impressive. We agreed upon a regime of nicotine gum, regulated by us, of course. Needless to say it's not working. At the same time his behavior continues getting uglier. I am feeling exhausted, that heavy feeling in my bones is weighing me down. Where to next??? If anyone has an answer please, please, please share it with me!
My delinquent son is billowing about creating a violent wind which brings anxiety, anger, hurt and frustration. It has shattered my moment of peace. It began oh so slowly. First we noticed he wasn't hanging out with the "clean" kids as much. Then not at all. He quit Lacrosse and became more belligerent and agitated. He pushed us to give one kid, whom we'd been warned about, a chance. After all he had been to rehab and he had no other friends. I'm a true believer in second chances so we layed out a plan with requirements that needed to be met before we would meet him and allow my devil child to hang with him. None of the requirements were met. The mood was changing quickly. Then the call from the Vice Principal at the High School. He was caught chewing tobacco in class. Five days suspension with three off if he wrote an essay with facts and the evils of tobacco. He swears this was his first use of the stimulant. I knew different. When approached he responded vehemently. How dare I accuse him and call him a liar.
I admit I spent the next week or so being angry and disgusted with him. We had agreed to honesty and openness and he was being deceitful, sneaky and disrespectful. Well, at least he wasn't smoking pot or using other drugs, you might be thinking. This is true, of course. The weekly drug tests have all been negative. This is just another sign of his inherent addictive personality and/or gene that occupies his skinny little body. It's one more feather in his cap and one more dagger to my heart. I feel a deep intense sadness. The knowledge that it's never going to end with him. That he'll struggle all his life and that only HE can change that fact. The sadness that it's really out of my hands. I have no control over my offspring, I'm watching him plummet from the nest unassisted, not sure where he will land. Such a powerful feeling of helplessness.
He finally came to us with an admission of guilt over the tobacco. He even took it upon himself to speak with a school counselor about how to deal with this new addiction. That was impressive. We agreed upon a regime of nicotine gum, regulated by us, of course. Needless to say it's not working. At the same time his behavior continues getting uglier. I am feeling exhausted, that heavy feeling in my bones is weighing me down. Where to next??? If anyone has an answer please, please, please share it with me!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
A Break In The Storm
Ahhh.....a moment I've been praying for. A moment I thought would never arrive. An actual break in the raging storm! Rays of sunshine have been poking through the dark clouds for the last 10 days or so. It's given me time to collect myself, refresh and find a smidgen of HOPE.
My boy has come to his senses. (For now. Knock on wood!) He agreed to get help with his anxiety, reluctantly. The pediatrician is amazing with adolescents. Blunt, in-your-face, and funny at the same time. He treats my little monster with respect at the same time telling him he's being an idiot. He actually has some semblance of respect for him and leaves his appointments laughing and lighthearted. A miracle!
He has on a few occasions voiced the opinion that marijuana is a better choice for treating his anxiety, it's "natural" don't you know. At age 18 he says he'll get a green card. I remind him that his daily pot use created more anxiety, bouts of uncontrollable anger and is illegal. At least antidepressants are controlled. Don't get me wrong. I have many issues with our medical profession. Treating just symptoms doesn't work for me. It's all about instant gratification and most Americans are over medicated. I believe in a more holistic approach. Discovering what the "cause" of the problem is and fixing it. Unfortunately my son has refused to visit his issues and address the real causes of his young anxiety-ridden life. Out of desperation for his welfare and all of us being affected, I chose this route.
It's as if someone flipped a switch or rewired his circuits. He's falling asleep quickly at night with no TV to babysit him. He's been calm, somewhat respectful (we're still working on that) and has all "A's" due to his nightly regime of study. He has stopped pestering me about hanging with the "questionable" friends and has successfully passed 5 straight weeks of drug tests.
I am quietly celebrating my new found HOPE but I suspect this could only be the calm before another storm. I am cautiously watching for signs of manipulation and lying.
For the moment I am praising God and reveling in the simple pleasure of life. Now there is PEACE!!
My boy has come to his senses. (For now. Knock on wood!) He agreed to get help with his anxiety, reluctantly. The pediatrician is amazing with adolescents. Blunt, in-your-face, and funny at the same time. He treats my little monster with respect at the same time telling him he's being an idiot. He actually has some semblance of respect for him and leaves his appointments laughing and lighthearted. A miracle!
He has on a few occasions voiced the opinion that marijuana is a better choice for treating his anxiety, it's "natural" don't you know. At age 18 he says he'll get a green card. I remind him that his daily pot use created more anxiety, bouts of uncontrollable anger and is illegal. At least antidepressants are controlled. Don't get me wrong. I have many issues with our medical profession. Treating just symptoms doesn't work for me. It's all about instant gratification and most Americans are over medicated. I believe in a more holistic approach. Discovering what the "cause" of the problem is and fixing it. Unfortunately my son has refused to visit his issues and address the real causes of his young anxiety-ridden life. Out of desperation for his welfare and all of us being affected, I chose this route.
It's as if someone flipped a switch or rewired his circuits. He's falling asleep quickly at night with no TV to babysit him. He's been calm, somewhat respectful (we're still working on that) and has all "A's" due to his nightly regime of study. He has stopped pestering me about hanging with the "questionable" friends and has successfully passed 5 straight weeks of drug tests.
I am quietly celebrating my new found HOPE but I suspect this could only be the calm before another storm. I am cautiously watching for signs of manipulation and lying.
For the moment I am praising God and reveling in the simple pleasure of life. Now there is PEACE!!
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